Marriage and Porn

Every once in a blue moon I have an amazing idea. And in most cases I also get to watch those ideas come to fruition and then somehow die an awful, horrible death.

Like most of the married men I know, I have a “sufficiently acceptable” level of sex in my relationship. “Sufficiently acceptable” because it’s not causing any arguments, we’re not getting a divorce over it, I’m just as much to blame for any or all excuses that get made as to why sex can’t happen, and most reasons given have a logical and understandable circumstance behind them. However, like most men feel, there could always be more.

So one day I had an amazing idea that I did not develop myself. It is something we have ALL heard about for years and years and years. It just so happens that this particular time thinking about it, made me suddenly assume that this idea was evidently made for me. Nothing has ever made more sense than this idea did, at this particular time.

“Spice up your sex life! Watch porn together!”

Why, that sounded perfect! I like porn! I generally keep that exclamation to myself but what could it hurt? My wife is a free spirit. A fun, independent, strong and secure woman. How could this not be the answer to all of our problems?

I went to the friendly neighborhood porno store and, because I am a lifelong geek, I saw a great title that captivated my attention immediately: BATMAN XXX, a porn DVD parodying the old 60′s TV show starring Adam West. What could be more perfect than this? Something not too serious. Something that she knows I have a dorky interest in, at least its source material. Batman would help give me the perfect alibi for coming up with this zany idea in the first place.

The first problem I experienced is that explaining to your wife that you think she should sit down with you and watch a bunch of people fuck so that possibly the two of you will also fuck is a lot harder to explain outside your head than you think. Several times I felt the incredible urge to squeal like a little girl and run out of the room. I think I got the initial ‘concept’ out before I locked up. And when the only thing happening, in a room filled with two people, is a confused “woman look?” Things don’t generally go well from there.

She asked to see the DVD. I obliged. She looked at the front cover, which is actually an amazing presentation consisting of Dale DaBone as Batman, James Deen as Robin and a really cute Lexi Belle as Batgirl. I saw her actually smile coyly when her eyes grazed past Randy Spears as the Joker and for a second I thought my work had paid off. But then she flipped the box around and the horror and surprised came screaming through as she laid eyes upon the dreaded “back of the box.” Which I probably could have warned her about.

Feeling awkward and deflated, but still undeterred, I suggested simply “come on… it’ll be fun.” She agreed, and the disk was inserted into the DVD player.

So the movie’s going great. The costumes are amazing. The performers are doing their best interpretations of the iconic characters, and even the old Batmobile makes an appearance! Then suddenly it’s time for the first sex scene. I know it. She knows it. It’s more than apparent. And the room gets filled with the weirdest, strangest tension ever. I have never felt anything like it in all of my married years. So suddenly before the very first hint of glistening flesh even comes into view I snapped up the remote and sent the visual back to the movie’s menu.

“You know…?” I stammered “I noticed that this also has a non-sex version!” She agreed in silence, and I made the selection.

Now I felt stupid. All of this. For what? Sure, it now wasn’t addressing anything I hoped to about our sex life, but in addition it made me feel like we didn’t have that connection that I had always felt we did, deep in my heart. And where was this going to lead? How would we ever bring this moment up without experiencing this awkwardness again, and again and again?

While all of this shot through my brain I finally fast forwarded the non-sex version of the movie to the spot where we left off. As it came up to the big moment it suddenly cut off abrasively and went to the next scene. My wife and I looked at each other as if to say “that was weird!” But when it happened again, my wife had had enough. She grabbed the remote, said “FUCK THIS” and returned it to the original XXX version.

I tried my very best to act normal, but really it didn’t matter. When it came up again to the big scene and the first bit of nudity was suddenly splashed across my living room, it wasn’t long before my wife and I were busy making our own movie. To be absolutely honest, I still have yet to see the rest of Batman XXX.

So my suggestion, to anyone who’s ever thought about putting this ‘great idea’ to use, is to go about it in the most positive way you can..but make sure and see it through. If you get as far as pressing play, you’re probably in a pretty good place. There’s a really good chance that your partner is just as freaked out about bringing it up as you are.